Changing Days.

The light has started to last a little longer and the weather may be getting warmer but so far I haven't really noticed a change in that direction. I know a lot of changes are happening as of late but most of all I feel at peace. I hope to complete all my early applications for graduate school this week and get a  few job applications sent out. I've been getting over a cold and have been reading frequently while I try to get the rest I need to finally kick this silly sickness for good. Every sinter seems to come with some sort of illness... The days are changing but I am too. For the first time in years I feel like I am finally getting the chance to pause.

Pause.

This concept has seemed so foreign over the past few years. With the rush of school, graduating, school again, then graduating; all this intermixed with travel, work, volunteering, relationships, a serious relationship that has turned into a marriage that I am extremely blessed by... there are so many elements to this crazy busy life I've had over the past few years but pause has not been one of them.... I have certainly had my occasional rests but I feel like for the first time in more than a decade I am finally taking a pause. 

Hans has been supportive of this pause and I am so grateful for it. I am still getting things done but I have been able to go through things and throw things away. I have gone through my wardrobe and let go of clothing that for almost no reason I have dragged around since high school. I have read through books I have set aside with the idea of someday getting through them and I have truly rested in a way that was somehow more than sleep. I needed this pause. There is so much life ahead of me even though I've already had amazing adventures. I have accomplished things and experienced things that I am still shocked and excited about but it wasn't until this pause that I am finally getting that I can make sure that I am prayerfully making this sincere decision about the next phases of my life. I have been sincere and thoughtful in the midst of business but there is something to be said for taking a pause, stopping the noise, taking a deep breath and just trusting God about the future while entrusting Him with the past. 

I have certainly not lived a perfect life. I have made mistakes even when well intended... but the truth is I have come to a place where I am letting that go too. I trust that God is bigger than the mistakes I have made. I know His grace is sufficient to cover the errs in my ways and words and that his love can break through the arrogance and stupidity through which I have acted at times and the misguided or unloving things I have said and done and that God is bigger than all of that and can still be glorified. I do not take His greatness and grace as an excuse or reason not to try but I do take it as a reason not to take my errors and misguided well intentions into my future as baggage. I can let this all go... God is so good to be bigger than my errors and bigger than my misguided good intentions. I know that I can trust God fully in these days ahead.... Graduate school, jobs, relationships.... all these things are so small compared to the surpassing grace of God and he has each of them covered completely. I am excited as I continue in this pause to see what God is going to do... 2014 is going to be an incredible year and I am excited to see in what ways God plans for it to be so. 

So I encourage you, if you are able, make the time to take a pause.... Sit in the presence of God and just be silent, patient, and there.... if you know me you know how very difficult this can truly be.... But thankfully God is bigger than that too.... So I'm planning to continue on in this pause... Yes wrapping up graduate school applications and applying for jobs is not exactly pausing but in all of this I hope to do so with grace and peace moving forward in full embrace of the knowledge that God will place Hans and I wherever it is that we need to be. I am so at peace in this knowledge.... Prayerfully we move forward. Prayerfully I continue in this pause. 

Adventures that Lay Ahead

Today is one of those days I want to throw caution to the wind and travel far away with Hans... I want to pack just a few things and then go. I don't know where I would want us to go and my intense logic is presently holding me back from this whim but right now I crave an adventure. It is interesting how loans from college and stuff... so much stuff can just get in the way. In some ways I am confused by how much of this stuff I have accumulated in my twenty three years on this earth. There are people who live on a dollar a day and in a place smaller than my and Hans studio apartment... I am happy. I am happy being married to Hans... I am happy to be God's child. I am happy to know that I am physically able to do so much and to have adventures. I am also convinced that someday soon Hans and I are going to take some grand adventure that will change us both... bond us even more deeply... challenge us intimately and also be a great story to tell eventually. I love that I'm married to someone with whom I can share adventure. I have grand career ambitions and personal goals. I am deeply committed to the belief that I can change the world and will. With this in mind sometimes I wonder if I'll change the world in a practical way or by being impractical and doing something adventurous and out of the ordinary.

{It is going to be interesting to see where God decides to take Hans and I and find out what sort of adventure this life is going to be. I am very grateful to have such an amazing partner in life.}

Things are Changing

{For Christmas this year my parents took guardianship of four boys... }

This meant that I got four guardian brothers... whether I wanted them or not. If I am going to be painfully honest this has been really hard for me. I am extremely proud of my parents for what they have done but that doesn't mean this has been an easy transition. I realize that I am a married college graduate with a job who maybe should not be seemingly affected by this life decision my parents have made but honestly the transition has taken a lot of growth on my part. I don't always like that I have to share my parents. I know these boys really need may parents but there are moments that I wish I just had my parents back to myself. I've grown to love these boys in so many ways. Honestly they are really great kids... but to suddenly share my parents with four boys six to seventeen year olds has challenged me and changed me. 

{I know it's extremely selfish but sometimes I really miss having my parents to myself.}

Sometimes I think this transition has been easier for my parents than it has been for me. Even though I have very loving and awesome parents there are times when I call that they can't talk because of something going on with one of the boys. When I visit my family I don't get the peaceful time with family to catch up. Everything is loud and if I want to make a nice relaxing dinner instead it's a dinner for a minimum of eight. I know these are seemingly minor things and I'm not going to go into a lot more detail... I think the examples above suffice in explaining that life has changed. 

{I just want to say a few things about some of my guardian brothers.}

The youngest three have stolen my heart. They are so dear to me... Each of them has grown so much and I am amazed at the transformation that is happening before my eyes. I am excited for the oldest of the boys. He gets this awesome privilege of some time with my parents before he heads off to school. The boys still visit their biological parents fairly regularly. I can't imagine going back and forth between homes even for visits but I think it is really cool that my parents still make the effort for the boys to know their bio-parents. I cant imagine this transition has been easy on the boys but each of them has been generally amazing. For the oldest I can't imagine moving in with a new family and for the youngest this must all be so confusing... but by God's grace this has all gone pretty well. I am excited to see what God continues to do... I know that he'll continue to challenge and change me... He is always working on my heart. To my guardian brothers... Someday I hope to tell them that they have challenged me in a beautiful way that has allowed me to grow closer to God in ways that I couldn't have expected. I hope the very best for them and I love all four of these boys. It will be interesting to see what God continues to do in challenging me and in challenging the boys. Prayers are very appreciated. 

{If this is something that you're thinking about doing or that your family has done...}

Taking on guardian children when you already have a family that is grown up or out of the house will effect them too. Just because we are not there all the time does not mean that we are not impacted by this huge transition in your life. Thank you to my amazing parents for helping me as this continues to become a reality for me. Thank you to God that my new guardian brothers are sweet and seem to really want to do good. Honestly I think this is a beautiful thing. Even when I have felt my lowest about this transition I am still very proud of my parents for this sacrifice they are making. I hope if you make this transition that you'll do it prayerfully and with a lot of understanding for your children who have difficulty with the transition. My parent's grace has blessed me so much through this transition. It effects everyone differently. My sister seems to have no problems with any of this at all but for me I feel like my world's been completely changed. 

{My parents have been amazing in loving me through this transition and pointing me to God but sometimes transitions are still difficult. I am grateful to know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and I am grateful to know that God is at work in each of those boys even now. Things are changing... I am (whether I like it or not) becoming more flexible...}

One last thing... Hans has really blessed me in helping me with all of this. He has seen when these things have been the most difficult for me and he's loved me anyways. He's loved them and shown me how to love. He's encouraged me and reminded me to turn to God for my strength and love. I've heard that Hans means a gift from God... In this case he really fits his name. (Sorry to be gross and sappy)

{the end.}

[until later]

Some Realizations

{Some Realizations}

The passing of time is so interesting. So frequently I am reminded of how much I still have to learn. I realize that the older I get the more I will realize how little I know. 
I realize that some things are more complicated than I thought when I thought my world was pretty much black and white... there is compassion and grace that exists in ways I still don't understand. 

I realize I am amazingly blessed to have Hans as my husband and life partner. I love that we get to share in life together. This one is an older realization but it still surprises me in fresh ways. Hans is absolutely still my best friend. I'm amazed by how God has blessed me with that man. We've both been busy at work writing novels and I love bouncing ideas off him or having him pick my mind about the things he's considering for his characters. Hans is such an amazing man. I care so deeply for him and I know he cares deeply for me. Sometimes it's difficult to believe that we've been married more than two years.... It seems even more wild to me that we'll have known each other only five years this October... I've realized that writing can be very rewarding but difficult to pick up when set down for a bit. 

I've realized that I enjoy writing more when I have a cool funky looking mug of tea next to me. I think it is important to try new things and challenge yourself. With this in mind I am so grateful to be with someone who challenges me and challenges himself. We are training to run a half marathon together this fall and I am so excited. 

I've realized that sometimes things just hold you down. We've moved into a little studio apartment. We're trying to downsize since it seems like we might be having a lot of transitions in the next few years. I am so grateful to have someone who is so connected to me agree with me on this point. I really love our new little apartment. It feels very much like home right now. Through this downsizing I have also realized that bunk beds can also serve as a great way to store things! 

I've realized that having work is a huge blessing! (I knew this one but sometimes refreshers happen.) We are both working for the University right now... That has been great but it's temporary. 

I've realized that I want some things less matchy matchy. Over the summer I have begun a mission to collect awesome but weird and mismatched mugs. So far I've gotten about seven. 

I've also been realizing more and more how important people are. We've had the opportunity to visit my family a number of times. Hans helped buck hay and we swam in the pool. We also had a fun little date up to Canada for mini golf and Tim Hortons. I also got to spend a week working in my grandpa's carpenter shop on a nearly completed art series! That was wonderful. I am so blessed by my amazing grandpa and his willingness to help me learn to use various power tools and grow as an artist. All this was filled with people that Hans and I love... These "people memories" (even my memories with the wonderful people at work!!! Work has been such a blessing!) are what have made this summer meaningful. 

Summer has in many ways been a wonderful blur so far. I want to truly make a difference in the world and I've realized it's a challenge to find the way to do that when life moves so quickly. I still believe this world will truly be changed for God's glory when I leave it and I am not giving up on my goal to change the world just because it will be hard. Hans and I are praying about the next step for us. We're excited to see where God leads... I'll try to explain a bit more later but there is a rough explanation of what has been going on in life as of late... 

{Right now I am trying to learn to realize and recognize whatever it is that God wants for me then pursue it... Right now it seems to be in "small things" that are actually a pretty big deal... Relationships... Most of all I realize that God is in control. I know I can trust him through this... Life is crazy and unpredictable but God is consistent and good.}

[the end... for now.] 

Fun Recent Event

Photo Credit to Greenhill Humane Society

SO.... Recently (meaning yesterday) two people I love got engaged. 

My brother in law proposed to his girlfriend (now fiancé) Jennelle! The story even made the news! It was all pretty sweet. Hans even got to visit them to help celebrate! All in all pretty fun and wonderful. 

The ring box was hidden on a collar on a cute orange kitty at the humane society. 

Stefan knew that Jennelle would be drawn any orange cat so he picked out just the right sweet little critter to hold the ring till he could surprise her by popping the question. 

The Greenhill Humane Society has been a spot the two frequent where Stefan has seen Jennelle's sweetness and fallen in love with her even more deeply. This place was perfect for those two.

All of this was made even sweeter by the fact that she very happily said yes. 

The two are now planning a late summer wedding. 

Below is the link to the video. I put two just in case one stops working but it's the same video. 

http://www.kmtr.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?videoid=4046338

http://www.videocounty.com/videos/a-purrfect-proposal/

If anyone in the Eugene area is thinking about adopting a pet here is the link to the location. Staff at the Greenhill Humane Society are helpful and friendly. They helped a lot with this sweet romantic proposal. If you want to go to their website here's the link: http://www.green-hill.org

Marriage Can be Hard.

Marriage can be Hard. 

I once had someone tell me that she and her husband never fight. I find that extremely hard to believe so when I found the following picture I laughed so hard:

Photo credit: http://myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com/post/31991561178/when-my-friend-swears-she-never-fights-with-her-husband

Honestly I think a lot of the time people do not see their own faults or choose to ignore these faults. I got married at 21 and this May Hans and I will be celebrating our two year wedding anniversary. I get that we're not perfect. We fight but who doesn't? But we're also best friends. I am so grateful that I have Hans. I love our adventures together and I think he's worth fighting for and worth fighting with. Hans is my best friend and I am so excited for all our adventures ahead. Even though I've been married I still found a lot of really funny things on this blog called myfriendsaremarried. I know that since I'm married there are some things that I should not like about the site but honestly I think it's hilarious. Hans and I found ourselves laughing about many of the silly picture and statement combinations. I feel like being married does not exclude you from some of the comments she has gotten as a single person. SO to those friends of mine who are single and to those who have a great sense of humor and can appreciate a good laugh (even when it's possibly poking fun at a situation they might be in) check out http://myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com :)

Being a Doer.

Lately (meaning for a few months now) I have been thinking about the concept of going to things or seeing things rather than doing things. This has really challenged me. You see it all started when I was cuddled up on the couch in a quilt my Great Aunt made for me with a delicious mug of hot chocolate as I watched some old hockey games. At this point in time the NHL still had the season on hold. I was checking twitter on an almost daily basis just hoping to hear the update that hockey would be back! As I was sitting there watching an old Oiler’s game from the glory days of Gretzky and Messier I started to have a challenging introspective moment. I could not help but feel challenged that I have never played hockey; more than that I was challenged about watching life versus being a part of life.

            What am I supposed to do about this? Well I’ll be honest I am probably not going to stop watching hockey or going to start playing hockey. I can only imagine the ways I would be crushed. On top of this I think hockey is my sport to enjoy from the sidelines. BUT this thinking still challenged me. I want to be doing. So I have made some challenges to myself. I will finish the novel I’m writing. I will attempt to get it published. I will finish the art series that I’m working on. I will complete another art series after I finish this one. I will attempt to get my art series into a gallery where other people can see my art and hopefully become inspired to go out and do something. This also challenged me in terms of Hans and my trip to Europe. I loved our trip but my constant concern was will we be going out and doing something or just walking around looking at everything. Our trip was amazing but I have to say I feel challenged. I want to leave earth better than I find it. If I am just watching all the time I will miss out on so many of the awesome things that God has planned for me to take part in. I believe we are supposed to rest in Christ but I think in that new strength and peace we are to go out and truly change the world for God’s glory. Honestly I’m still figuring things out but I am so glad that I have God, Hans, and my family to help me along the way.